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In a shocking economic downturn affecting one of Washington’s least-recognized professions, dozens of former stand-ins for ex-president “Joey Bydone” reportedly flooded LinkedIn this week, desperately seeking new employment after finding themselves suddenly obsolete.
The once-thriving industry of presidential body doubling — long rumored by internet uncles, Facebook comment sections, and guys named Rick with sunglasses selfies — has apparently collapsed overnight.
“I used to work three shifts a week pretending to slowly walk across airport tarmacs,” said former double Gene Mallory, 68, while applying for a greeter job at a Delaware Cracker Barrel. “Now nobody needs me. Yesterday I waved at a family in a parking lot out of muscle memory.”
According to anonymous insiders, the market for Bydone impersonators dried up immediately after the former president left office, leaving hundreds of highly trained doubles with nowhere to go and an alarming number of unused aviator sunglasses.
One former double, Carl “Two Scoops” Henderson, said he spent years mastering the delicate art of:
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⦁ squinting into the distance,
⦁ pointing at random reporters,
⦁ whispering “listen here, fat,”
⦁ and slowly jogging exactly four feet before stopping for applesauce.
“It’s a craft,” Henderson explained emotionally. “People think anybody can wander off after a speech or tell the same story three times in ten minutes. They can’t.”
Industry experts say the situation has become dire.
A leaked résumé from one displaced double listed specialized skills including:
⦁ “confused podium navigation,”
⦁ “advanced teleprompter squinting,”
⦁ “air handshake execution,”
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⦁ and “fall-resistant bicycle dismounts.”
Several have reportedly attempted to pivot into other fields. One joined a retirement community theater troupe as “Confused Grandpa #2.” Another began appearing at children’s birthday parties, where he repeatedly introduced himself to the same kid for two straight hours.
Perhaps the most heartbreaking case is that of Leonard Briggs, who claims he was “Bydone Double #4” from 2021 through 2023.
“I gave everything to this country,” Briggs said while standing outside a Washington staffing agency wearing a navy suit and eating pudding directly from the cup. “I sniffed invisible microphones. I wandered toward bushes on command. I once spent six hours practicing how to stare at a map upside down.”
Briggs says he now spends most days standing outside Amtrak stations hoping someone mistakes him for the former commander-in-chief and offers him a speaking fee.
The crisis has reportedly become so severe that several doubles are now competing against one another for the same small gigs, including:
⦁ ribbon cuttings at mattress stores,
⦁ opening bingo nights,
⦁ and pretending to forget where they parked at car dealership grand openings.
One underground agency allegedly tried to keep the profession alive by marketing the doubles for weddings and bar mitzvahs under the slogan:
“Need a confused statesman wandering near the shrimp cocktail? We’ve got you covered.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists across the internet remain devastated by the layoffs.“You’re telling me there were FIVE of them this whole time?” wrote one commenter beneath a blurry YouTube video titled “Proof Joey Bydone Replaced by Different Ear Lobes.” “This economy is brutal.”
At press time, sources confirmed at least three former doubles had gathered outside a Wilmington diner in matching aviators, hoping for one last call from “the big guy.”
